Friday, 31 August 2007

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Big Brother?

Well this years Big Brother is finally drawing to a close. Somehow I can’t help wondering what it would be like if it hadn’t been the likes of Chanelle, Charley, Samanda and Brian who had been in the house this year…..what if the housemates were more……well……musical?

Day One
Day one in the Big Brother house. The first housemate to enter is, former nun, Maria Von Trapp. She is bursting with confidence, but then again, a house with nine new house mates, what’s so fearsome about that? Maria is closely followed by Joseph, Dolly Levi, Tevye, Eva Peron, Effie Melody White, Oliver Twist, Sweeney Todd, Henry Higgins and Little Orphan Annie. As usual the housemates are overwhelmed by the new house and its splendid colour scheme. It was purple and white and pink and orange and blue. After a first night feast of handcrafted beer made from local breweries, some yoga, and yoghurt and rice and beans and cheese, they finally get to bed.

Day Four
Big brother surprises the housemates by asking them to nominate for the first time. Up for eviction are Tevye and Joseph. . Joseph he annoys his housemates but what makes them mad are the things that Joseph tells them of the dreams he often has. Somehow the idea of them bowing down to them isn’t so appealing. Tevye has been heard in the garden declaring to himself what he would do if he were a rich man. It seems that the two men both have their eyes on the prize.

Day Eight
The housemates are sitting on the sofa as Davina announces that Tevye is the first housemate to be evicted from big brother. It seems the public are decidedly unimpressed at the footage of him fiddling on the roof.

Day Eleven
This weeks task is for the housemates to form a coconut orchestra. Due to the indisposition of Miss Eva Peron her role in this weeks task will be performed by Miss Roxie Hart. Due to the failure of completing the task the housemates find themselves with basic rations of gruel.

Day Twelve
Maria decides to make everyone outfits from the house’s curtains. As a punishment the housemates have their suitcases confiscated “until further notice”

Day Thirteen
Oliver is struggling to cope with the basic rations and goes to the diary room where he imploringly asks “Please Big Brother, can I have some more?” Annie is finding it too much of a hard knock life too and the two orphans bond, helped by Dolly who is determined to push them together.

Day Fifteen
Joseph is horrified to be evicted in Maria’s curtain outfit, rather than the clothes in his suitcase that he was saving for the eviction. He demands “Give me my coloured coat, my amazing coloured coat!”

Day Sixteen
Despite her blossoming friendship with Oliver, Annie is still distressed by the lack of food and the “curtain situation”. Sweeney suggests that a “nice new bob” might cheer her up. He takes her to the bath room to give her a trim but returns alone, saying that Annie has decided to leave the house. Big Brother makes no comment.

Day Eighteen
A new housemate, Mrs Johnstone, is brought in to replace Annie. Possibly literally, as she is pregnant with her 17th child. Dolly immediately tries to fix her up with Henry.

Day Nineteen
Tempers flare as the housemates are asked to participate in a pop group task. Effie is determined to be lead singer, however Eva has different ideas. “I want to be dazzling, they need to adore me” she cries and takes centre stage.

Day Twenty Two
It came as no surprise when Eva and Effie found themselves nominated for eviction. As Effie’s name is called, by Davina, she reacts badly and yells “I’m telling you I’m not going”. Eva merely says “Goodnight, and thank you whoever” as Effie leaves the building.

Day Twenty Three
As a punishment for discussing Jason Robert Brown, Eva and Sweeney are forced to listen to the London cast album of Saturday Night Fever.

Day Twenty Six
Mrs Johnstone nominates for the first time, but she finds it difficult. “Don’t make me choose, they’re a team they go together” she begs. But choose she must.

Day Twenty Nine
Oliver is evicted.

Day Thirty Two
The housemates begin an elocution task. Henry Higgins takes it upon himself to assist everyone else but finds it difficult. “In ‘Ertford. ‘Ereford and ‘Ampshire” begins Eva, and Henry asks “Why can’t the English teach their children how to speak?”.
“Gorgeous!” answers Dolly, “I’m American, Eva’s from Argentina and Maria’s Austrian for heaven’s sake!”
“No I’m not, I’m welsh!” interrupts Maria, “Although occasionally I do feel a little Irish!”

Day Thirty Three
Eva is still bridling from Henry’s rudeness “Just you wait ‘Enry ‘Iggins” she mutters as she enters the diary room to nominate. Later Dolly unwisely tries to smooth things over by suggesting they have a romantic meal for two.

Day Thirty Six
“Wave your little hand and whisper so long dearie, you ain’t gonna see me anymore” says Dolly as she becomes the fifth person to be evicted.

Day Thirty Eight
Mrs Johnstone is accused of being “controlling” for taking over most of the domestic duties in the house. The housemates are particularly upset with her commandeering the shopping list and Maria’s request for schnitzel and noodles falls on deaf ears. Instead they have to endure steak and kidney pies. “These are probably the worst pies in London!” remonstrates Sweeney.

Day Thirty Nine
Mrs Johnstone is trying to eradicate a particularly stubborn red stain from the bathroom floor when Sweeney walks in. “Have you ever considered a peroxide rinse?” he asks. “Like Marilyn Monroe?” replies Mrs J. Sweeney later reports that Mrs Johnstone has left the house.

Day Forty
The Rum Tum Tugger is brought into the house as a replacement for Mrs Johnstone. “What’s new Buenos Aires?” asks Eva. “My dear Eva”, remarks Henry, “I think you may mean pussy cat”

Day Forty One
Henry is evicted from the big brother house.

Day Forty Two
The Rum Tum Tugger is finding it difficult to bond with his new housemates. Could this be because every time someone tries to approach him he runs up the drain pipe and stares at the wall, or perhaps it is his unfortunate habit of “washing” himself.

Day Forty Four
The final task is a music task. Maria tries to teach her other housemates. “Let’s start at the very beginning….Do a deer a female deer.” “Meeow” sings the Rum Tum Tugger, Maria grimaces as Sweeney ominously mutters something under his breath about popping pussies into pies.

Day Forty Five
In an attempt to “bond” with Tugger, Sweeney offers to give his fur “a going over with my clippers.” Eva later asks Sweeney where Tugger has got to. “Surprise midweek eviction” answers Sweeney. Eva suspects that Sweeney has a game plan and takes Maria to one side and warns that there is “evil, ever around!”, strangely Maria answers “Yodeleyeeeeeeeeee”

Day Forty Seven
It’s the penultimate day in the Big Brother house. Big brother calls Eva to the diary room to try to explain how she feels.
“It won’t be easy you’ll think it strange” responds Eva
Next up is Maria –
“My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies from a church on the breeze”
And finally Sweeney
“Well what happened here, well that’s the play and you wouldn’t want me to give it away!”

Day Forty Eight
It’s the last day in the Big Brother house. Eva, Maria and Sweeney are the only remaining housemates as they plan to say so long, farewell. Struggling to find room for the outfit that Maria made Eva asks Big Brother for another suitcase. Maria wistfully muses that her days in the house have come to an end and the lark has come out to tell her it’s time to go. Sweeney begins to pack his belongings but then finds his Carmen rollers and suggests that the ladies might like a new “do” before they leave the house forever……….

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