You Were A Monkey And I Was A Pony

Friends Reunited can be a great website. I have had a few friends get in touch over the years and even managed to re-establish my closest friendship after having lost touch. However it does also bring the oddest people out of the woodwork. Three times now I have had a message from a girl called Julie saying “You were a monkey and I was a pony, get in touch” Naturally I was perplexed. What an odd thing to say – and how on earth do I respond to it? Well I didn’t, but I did recently come to realise what she meant.

I expect I would have been about six and it was the Christmas play at school. You know what it’s like, every now and then teachers get a bit over excited and do something a little different to the traditional nativity. This year we had a Christmas circus. So we had all sorts of acts - clowns, lions, acrobats and of course ponies and chimpanzee’s (not monkeys!). At the end of each act the participants would take a Christmas ring (actually a quoit covered in tinsel) and place it on a branch of the tree to see if it would light up. The clowns were unsuccessful as were the ponies – little girls in pink leotards jumping over bamboo canes. Then it came to the chimps. The mid seventies were a less pc time, the time of the PG Tips chimps and chimps tea parties at the zoo. A chimps tea party, was usually held at the zoo, twice daily, and was basically half a dozen chimps, all dressed up, at a dinner table and being given a meal. Invariably they would end up throwing the food all over each other and the first few rows of the audience. This was also the time that the TV series of “The Planet Of The Apes” was popular, and the shops were full of POTA action figures and masks. Now, if you remember, the apes had a very particular way of walking. I, yes that’s right me, was the best in the school at doing the walk, so along with a boy called Ian, who was a “bit of a monkey” we were the chimps. Our act was inspired by both “Planet of The Aoes” and a chimps tea party and of course culminated in us throwing lots of (paper) plates into the audience. We had great fun doing this and walking round going “Oo , oo, oo” like monkeys. Yes, I could walk the walk AND talk the talk. Then we proceeded to the tree with our festive quoit and threw it at the tree. For we were very naughty chimps! Needless to say it didn’t light up, this honour was left to the group of “Children” who went up to the tree last of all, hand in hand. Or, as I like to think of them, the untalented children who couldn’t do anything! However it seems that when the Leicester Mercury was looking for a photo opportunity it was me they spotted, along with Julie the pony. So somewhere in the archives of the Mercury from 1975 there is a picture of a smiling Julie along with me. Of course I am totally hidden by the “Planet Of The Apes” mask I was wearing so you can’t see me at all. My mum was most put out. Anyway, this would be what Julie had in mind – although I still haven’t replied!!!!

I was probably quite a precocious little boy in some ways, so I always looked forward to participating in school plays and nativities. However the holy grail of roles always seemed to evade me. I speak of course of Joseph (of ”Joseph And Mary” fame) I did come close on many occasions. I was told I was the best, but not tall enough, more than once. Of course I was an innocent young child back then so stopped short of calling the teacher a size queen! One year our head mistress had written her own nativity musical called “Follow That Star” , of which I can only recall the title song and “Three Wise Men” sung to the tune of “Three Blind Mice”. Yes really. Sadly I was stuck in the back row of the choir. The following year saw the piece being expanded and bizarrely we did it in a totally different school. I was so close to being Joseph. It was down to two of us – then they told me. “Sorry Markus, you really aren’t tall enough!” I did get to be understudy though, and had that most famous of Nativity characters to play. The Pig Farmer! Obviously the role of the pig farmer is crucial to the nativity story as it’s used to illustrate the fact that all sorts of people had to traipse all over the place for the census. On reflection I must have been quite magnificent in this part as these days it’s generally considered that I was such a hard act to follow that they don’t even bother to feature the role!

Anyway, shortly after this I moved home, from Swannington to the bizarrely named estate Agar Nook, and of course a new school. I was hardly there five minutes before my precocity set in and I started trying to get into all the school plays. Every other week we had to do an assembly which, as my teacher was a bit arty farty, was always a play. One week we were re-enacting the tragedy of Lady Jane Grey (queen for nine days) whose family home was in the local Bradgate Park, and the next we were re-enacting a journey along the Amazon where we were attacked by Pirahnas. Then of course there were after school drama clubs and shows like “The Wind In The Willows” and “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea”, the latter saw me as Captain Nemo (height no issue!) and of course this being a school play I was captain of a “Yellow Submarine” . Then Christmas drew near and it looked like I was going to win the role I had dreamed of! Once again I was down to the final two and I was told “Sorry too short!” Yet again, my dreams of stardom lay in tatters. But then I had the call which changed my life (for December 1979 at least) . The Joseph who they had chosen couldn’t do one of the three performances, so for one night only I was to play the part I had coveted. Yes, I was going to be the alternate Joseph. The Aiofhe Mulholland of Warren Hills County Primary School. Opposite me as Mary was Michelle Allen. Michelle is actually the sister of west end performer Nicky Adams who has been in both “Phantom” as Christine, and “The Woman In White” . Incidentally , a couple of years ago I discovered that they are both distant cousins of mine. So anyway, I cracked it. I finally got to play Joseph. I had my moment in the spotlight.

I didn’t really pursue school plays after this. It all seemed a bit un cool. I did still end up doing a few things though such as “Mother Courage”, “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie” and Stan Laurel in a school revue. Somehow though, these roles never seemed to reach the dizzy heights I experienced as a pig farmer and a chimpanzee back in the mid seventies.

Looking back, I can say hand on heart that I will never appear in a school play ever again! However I have a sneaky feeling that in the coming months I will get an email saying “You were a monkey and I was a pony, get in touch!”

Soundtracks of My Life 60-61

60.Something Right (Fordham) JULIA FORDHAM
This is for Jackie and Sarah, who are planning a civil ceremony for later in the year. When they got together I had my doubts as Jackie was leaving a long standing relationship to embark on a new one with Sarah. However, as soon as I met Sarah I knew that Jackie really was doing something right. I am sure that they will be very happy together – after all they already are!

61.Paris Je T’Aime (Grey/Schertzinger) PATRICK BRUEL
Paris is a recurring theme in my life as I have spent so many holidays there. This song is typical of traditional French “café” music. I really don’t know the proper term. I started to listen to Bruel’s music when I was trying to improve my French, and although this is atypical of his stuff I have gone for this selection as it reminds me of going to France with my mum. Taking her to Paris was a huge bonding experience. I had come into a small amount of money, and wanted to treat her, so took her away to Paris for the first time. Out of all the places I could have picked Paris really struck her imagination. She can now spend hours talking about nothing but Paris and the places we went to and the things we saw. We spent time a lot of time in Montmartre, had a wonderful day in Versailles and saw lots of art. This song reminds me of standing in line to go to see the impressionist art at the Musee D’Orsay and there always seem to be buskers playing when you queue for these kind of things in Paris. Almost always they are playing an accordion or something similar and its these French Café Chansons that are particularly popular…so this is what I am reminded of from this song!

A Little Dental Music

“Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis De Sade?”

Well not me! It also has to be said that the song I have taken that quote from is not a good one to listen to when awaiting dental treatment. The song is, of course, “Dentist” from “The Little Shop Of Horrors” which is frankly enough to put anyone of having a filling for life.

However, although I stay clear of this particular show, musicals have proven to be a brilliant aid in my coping with uncomfortable dental procedures. “How on earth do you do that?” you may ask. Well it’s simple really. From the moment the dentist approaches me with – well maybe a drill, or even that horrible tube that sucks out the saliva , in my head I try and go through a complete musical. Around ten years ago it was “A Little Night Music” that got me through four crowns. Now I don’t know if you have ever had a crown but it really is quite horrible when they grind the original tooth down to a point to slot the new porcelain tooth on. So there I am, sucker in one cheek and feeling bits of tooth hitting the roof of my mouth as the dentist prepares for the crown. In my head Desiree Armfeldt is sending out invitations for “A Weekend In The Country” as I struggle to obliterate the pneumatic drill that seems to be present in my open mouth. I gloss over “Every Day A Little Death” as it seems a tad too close for comfort, and the dentist is very confused when, on asking me if I am ok, I reply “Hi Ho The Glamorous Life”. All in all “Night Music” made this particular procedure far less painful than anticipated! A success in fact!

Equally effective was, on the occasion of a wisdom tooth’s removal, “West Side Story”. The up-tempo numbers always work best and this show has plenty. “Cool” is probably the best song in the show, as keeping cool is a definite asset. “Dance At The Gym” is one best omitted however. Trying to mambo when you have to keep your head still is not so easy, and the temptation to promenade out of the surgery altogether is also very great. I seem to remember “Rent” working quite well once too.

The big draw back of this method for dental coping is the fact that the dentist is invariably not in tune with me as a patient. I mean, fair enough, they should be concentrating on matters in hand, but honestly they should get their timing right. Was it really necessary for her to ask me if I needed any more anaesthetic right in the middle of “West Side’s” balcony scene? It well and truly killed the moment. And could I blame Anita for missing her entrance when the dentist chose that exact moment to go full throttle with the pliers?

Anyway, last weeks extraction saw me plumping for Barbra Streisand. This was a dismal failure. I just went over the first two lines of “Evergreen” over and over again. I tried “The Way We Were” but somehow it always worked it’s way back to “Love just like an easy chair……” . Thank goodness that the treatment itself went so much better than expected so my dental pain management technique wasn’t that vital anyway!

To paraphrase Oscar Hammerstein I guess this is all just my own way of whistling a happy tune. Of course it works in many other situations too, not just the dentists. I have heard of people singing “I Have Confidence” when they need to feel strong , and “You’ll Never Walk Alone” when they are low and need courage. I guess musical theatre (in fact just Rodgers and Hammerstein) has a song for every occasion!

So this all goes to prove that whilst a spoonful of sugar may well help the medicine go down there is nothing better than a show tune to get you through all manner of crises and what not!

Somehow I think favourite scenes from Samuel Becket wouldn’t be nearly as effective!

Bye for now!


Markus

Soundtrack Track 59

59.Fields Of Gold (Sting) STING
This song is featured as it was played at the funeral of a dear family friend, Violet – and It remnunded me of a piece of writing I wrote shortly after her death so have included it here – A little longer than the normal I’m afraid!
I must have been little more than three years old. I had just been given the Fisher-Price family houseboat, and in my excitement there was only one thing on my mind. I stepped out of the porch of 44 Hilary Crescent, clumsily negotiating the step with my new toy, and began my short journey. I pulled the houseboat by its string, past Beattie and Franks’ bungalow, towards my destination. I turned right into the path which, as always, had beautifully tended flowers and shrubs along the left hand side. This was the house with a little stone church at the top of the garden – which in later years I seem to remember was “Breedon-On-The-Hill”, and a bush of the hugest most colourful flowers which could be seen from the back windows. This was also the house with a shed that contained not only miniature steam engines but a couple of fully operational beautifully detailed miniature fairground carousels. All of these things held great delight for a small child, but this was not my reason for visiting. I pulled my boat up to the backdoor, which as it was a fine day would of course have been open, peered through the door and would have seen the kitchen table on the other side of the room. On the left, by the window, Bert would have sat, and on the right not to far from the boiler, with an open copy of “Peoples Friend” in front of her, was my main reason for visiting. Violet. If I had a new toy then, of course, it had to be presented for Vi’s approval. Her approval and delight were always forthcoming – and as I got older this ritual never changed, as it changed from toys to books and later records I would still have to show my spoils to Violet.

Always smiling and always happy to see me, Violet was a constant presence in my life. One mustn’t forget Bert as well naturally – a known story teller who loved to spin a yarn – albeit often the same yarn told and re-told. I am still haunted by his tales of how it wasn’t that great in the old days, and the cheese was left piled high on the pavements for the dogs to urinate on.
“You’d still eat it” he would say. Truly the stuff of nightmares. The other abiding memory I have of Bert is of his kindness to me. But at Vi and Bert’s bungalow, kindness was in no short supply.

On occasion I would knock on the door and Vi would have visitors so I would apologise and say I would come another time. Vi would have none of this of course.
“It’s alright, come in m’darlin’” she would say – and if I wavered she would be quite insistent. So I would be welcomed in and sit with her while she chatted to maybe her friend Lena with the artificial leg – or Janet and her mother Lucy. Sometimes she would have her family over, George and his wife Hilda, and maybe John and Audrey. They always seemed larger than life to a small child, with their broad northern accents, but were every bit as welcoming as Vi herself. Then there was her sister Irene, and Jess – always dressed in trousers with blousons of elaborate designs that twenty years later were revived by Versace. Sometimes Irene and Jess would have a little fall out but to me they were always lovely. I remember one Christmas they bought me a toy post office – complete with stamp pads and tiny packets and jars of the all the products you might want – I was delighted.

Some people you remember with sadness, others with a smile, but with Violet it’s not long before you begin to laugh. So many incidents over the years happened that ended in laughter that it’s a pleasure to recall them. A visit to London to see Simon at the Players Theatre ended in us being late for our train at St.Pancras. As myself and my Nan ran for the train Vi was having difficulty keeping up, the train started to pull out so I remember shouting at the guard “You stupid man can’t you see she’s an old lady!” I don’t recall if we managed to get on the train but I do remember everyone laughing around me. Sunday mornings Violet would come round and have a drink of wine before lunch, “Your cheeks are getting red!” my Nan would say to her, and my Grandpa would say “Y’alright Fatty?” and she would chuckle with good humour. Often we would sit in the kitchen and play scrabble, and on one occasion, as it rained outside, suddenly there was a clap of thunder and Vi was nowhere to be seen. In her fright she had sprinted from the table and was cowering in the hallway. When we found her we took one look at her and she started chuckling at the absurdity of it all. Most Saturdays were spent on a shopping expedition, Leicester, Loughborough and on occasion Nottingham. It was on one of these occasions (actually I have a sneaking suspicion that it happened more than once) that somehow we lost Violet and seemed to spend hours looking for her – finally tracking her down wandering the multi storey car park. There was one very funny incident when she telephoned my Aunt Jane, after she had been baby sitting her three children, because she had got home and realised that her false teeth were no longer in her mouth. It seemed she had fallen asleep and the teeth were discovered by one of the children down the back of the settee. So, when we remember Vi, laughter is never far away.

In the last few days I have heard so many people say that Violet never had a bad word against anyone, to this I can add that she always seemed very happy and was always incredibly appreciative of anything anyone may have done for her. She never took the kindnesses of others for granted.

In the years after they both lost their husbands Violet became very close to my Grandma Cox, and they would spend many hours sitting together and chatting. On one occasion my Grandma complained that her false teeth were uncomfortable and it transpired that she had somehow put Vi’s in.
“It’s alright I’ll wash ‘em” said Vi, and that was the end to it. There were a few occasions when Grandma Cox, whose health was on the decline, could be a little caustic towards Violet . Violet never complained about this, always saying “It’s alright I know she doesn’t mean it”.

When Violet moved from Hilary Crescent to Park View I felt that loss as keenly as any bereavement. By this time I had long moved to London – but it didn’t seem right that on my visits home I couldn’t do the short walk that I had first done so many years before to go and see Vi in her house. In these years I saw Vi much less than I would have liked, so often my infrequent visits home seemed to tie in with her frequent holidays, but I would at least try to send her some flowers at least so she would know I was thinking of her. When I did go to her flat I was always touched to see that all the candles I had bought her for Christmases over the years seemed to be given pride of place. I would urge her to use them but she would say “I don’t like to ‘cause they seem so lovely”. She really did appreciate everything so much.

AsIe moved into adult life time seemed to move so quickly and, before I knew it, another year has gone by, and I would sometimes stop and think I can’t believe that it’s so long since I saw Vi. The last time I spoke to Violet was at one of these moments, and I had decided to give her a call.
“’Ello m’darlin’ it’s lovely to hear from you” she said and I can’t recall what we spoke of but I remember her warmth and affection at receiving my call.

How do you do Violet justice? Initially a neighbour to my grandparents, her good friends Jean & Reg, Violet seemed, over the years, to become adopted by the entire family and it’s a tribute to her that so many of us were there to lay her to rest. But it kind of goes without saying, because even if she wasn’t of our blood she was a vital part of our family. But how do I define Violet’s role? I could say it was like having another grandmother or another aunt but neither of those words do her justice. She was a “Violet” and I count myself lucky to have had her in my life. Always kind, always smiling.

There are no better closing words than Violets own.

“ninety one, going on ninety two – not bad is it ?”

It Was Twenty years Ago Today......

Sgt Pepper taught the band to play…..

Actually it wasn’t – it was more like forty. However it’s with great personal shock that I realise it’s twenty years ago today (14th September 1987) that I started work for Stoll Moss Theatres (as it was then) in box office……I did start very young!

I remember that morning quite clearly. I knocked on the side door of the box office at Her Majesty’s and nervously announced myself. I was greeted by Douglas Hinton, box office manager, who spoke with a cut glass English accent despite (as I later found out) being a Texan. I was introduced to some of the other staff including Mark Trumpess, and Toni Gabriele (who I seem to recall had just returned from holiday), before I was taken to head office – Cranbourne Mansions – whose top floor housed the advance booking period for The Phantom Of The Opera. Working on Phantom was very exciting as in Theatreland in was a true phenomenon, breaking all box office records, in an era where Andrew Lloyd Webber really ruled the roost in the west end. Phantom truly got everywhere, it was mentioned in the papers almost every day and I can even remember Eastenders’ Dirty Den quipping “I’m going to see The Phantom Of The Opera and I’m taking her to the theatre”.

Oh my god twenty years? Where has it all gone? Well if you read my column called “Wishing I Was Somehow There Again?” (back in the intouch archives if you missed it) you will remember my time at Her Majesty’s has been well covered as indeed has the Apollo and my experiences working front of house at the Phoenix and The Palladium (even longer ago! Yikes!) . Someday I will get round to telling you about my time at Drury Lane (and the occasion when Plum Peyton was instrumental in getting us all banned from the Rock island Diner for bad behaviour) and even maybe my early years at the Palladium. However I thought it would be much more fun to take a look back and see what I can actually remember about 1987!

So what about the rest of the west end? Across town at the Palladium, Colin Brooksbank and Edwin Shaw prepared for the theatre’s last pantomime to date – Cannon and Ball in Babes In The Wood. Derek Bessey was box office manager at the newly refurbished Cambridge, where Lulu was starring as Peter Pan, and 42nd Street was in residence (along with Plum Peyton) at Drury Lane. The Adelphi was occupied by Me And My Girl and, of course, Vereen Irving. At the Palace was Les Miserables, proving to be a blockbuster despite opening to bad reviews. Cats and Starlight Express continued to go strong and Chess was enjoying it’s successful run at the Prince Edward. Other musicals included Time and Nunsense. Non musicals included William Gaunt in When Did You Last See Your Trousers? at the Garrick, and Maggie Smith at the Globe (now the Gielgud) in Lettice And Lovage. Shaw’s You Never Can Tell was at the Haymarket and the Queens was occupied by Jeffrey Archer’s Beyond Reasonable Doubt. Of course I was determined to see as many shows as I could and I can particularly remember seeing Stephen Sondheim’s Follies at the Shaftesbury in November 1987. I was living at my Uncles at the time and our visit coincided with the night of the fire at Kings Cross Station. By the time we got home at 1am my Nan had left over twenty increasingly insane answer messages as she slowly convinced herself we had been killed in the fire!

But what about the world beyond theatre? Well 1987? This was a time before Ipods, DVD , Big Brother and Sky TV. A time when Amy Winehouse was a toddler and Elaine Paige dominated the album charts. This was a time when Whitney Houston was prime minister and Margaret Thatcher wanted to dance with somebody. French and Saunders were still funny and Rainbow was flying high.

In the world of television this was the year that the staff of the Crossroads motel where given their marching orders – it went off air the following Easter. Coronation Street stalwart, Hilda Ogden sang Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye as she left Weatherfield for ever. Den and Angie’s, tempestuous relationship kept us all glued to EastEnders and up in Liverpool Brookside’s Sheila Gant mourned the loss of her beloved Damon. Much to the consternation of evil wardress “Vinegar Tits” Vera Bennett, Frankie Doyle and her girlfriend Doreen escaped Cell Block H of Wentworth Detention Centre, while over in Ramsey Street Scott loved Charlene.

Elsewhere on screen Morse solved his first case, and Jean Luc Picard took to the skies for his maiden voyage. The Simpsons of Springfield made their debut and a fresh faced Richard and Judy launched This Morning. Last but not least, the Tardis had a new occupant as Sylvester Mccoy became the seventh Doctor Who alongside Bonnie Langford as his companion Mel.

At the movies Cher was Moonstruck as well as being one of The Witches Of Eastwick. Glenn Close’s antics in Fatal Attraction gave rise to the term “bunny boiler” and Patrick Swayze dirtydanced across the screen with Jennifer Grey.

In the pop charts CDs were still a relatively new innovation so the 45rpm vinyl single still flourished. The Stock Aitken Waterman partnership ruled the charts with the likes of Bananarama, Rick Astley and their latest signing Kylie Minogue was poised to make a big impact the following year. Young Scottish band Wet Wet Wet sang their way into the charts for the first time with Wishing I Was Lucky,and Pet Shop Boys bagged the Christmas number one with Always on My Mind. The album charts were dominated by the cast recording of The Phantom of The Opera and later in the year George Michael’s Faith.

On a sadder note 1987 was also the year that Hollywood legends Fred Astaire, Danny Kaye and Rita Hayworth died. Broadway mourned legendary choreographer/director Michael Bennett, as well as his A Chorus Line colleague, lyricist Ed Kleben. Over in the UK original Starlight Express cast member (as well as Rent A Ghost’s Timothy Claypole) Michael Staniforth passed away.

So that was 1987 – and just a little of what was going on (come on you didn’t really expect me to tell you the sporting news did you?) Well, the years have flown by and, little did I know that I would still be here, selling tickets, twenty years later. I have seen great changes over the years. What began as Stoll Moss is now RUGT. I have met some great people and formed some lasting friendships. Worked on some of biggest hits the west end has ever had and more than a few flops, and it seems most fitting to end with a line from the show I saw on the night of the Kings Cross fire….

“Good times and bum times, I’ve seen them all and my dear, I’m still here!”

Bye for now
Twenty years and counting!

Markus
X

Soundtrack Tracks 56-58

56.”I Will Be Waiting” (Joseph ) MARTYN JOSEPH
“I will never give up on anyone except maybe me” well that would a tad dramatic I think – but I have found that there are times when I should really have been more focussed on my own problems but instead have become involved in sorting a friends out and just hoping things would sort themselves out as far as I am concerned. However that’s not why I have particularly chosen this song – it’s because it defines the moment that myself and Lisa (Sharp) became friends. We had been part of the same social group for a while and she had just moved back from the States to Holloway. It had been her birthday and I had bought her the Martyn Joseph CD as part of a present. This lead to a long conversation about music over breakfast the following morning, and it was a couple of years later that we discovered that we both thought this moment was where our friendship really began. It’s always great to see Lisa at her huge house in Chiswick with her hundreds of kids – well two anyway!

57.Stronger Than Before (Newton John/Roboff/Chapman) OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN
By this point I have probably mentioned a couple of times my Dad saying that whatever awful things in life may happen you always gain something from them. Now this song that Olivia sang to illustrate her fight with cancer illustrates this point beautifully. Life’s traumas really can make you stronger. Always! Without fail!

58.I Didn’t Know That I Was Looking For Love (Watt/Thorn) EVERYTHING BUT THE GIRL
OK soppy moment! This is here because it reminds me of the wedding of Jo and Nick. It was the song for their first dance, and it was really such a lovely wedding, We all descended en masse on Lake Windermere where the nuptials took place for what proved to be a really lovely weekend. Good company, good food, good conversation. It stands as one of the loveliest days I have ever had. Funny how many of those seem to be weddings. Lisa and Jon’s the previous year is up there too of course.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Big Brother?

Well this years Big Brother is finally drawing to a close. Somehow I can’t help wondering what it would be like if it hadn’t been the likes of Chanelle, Charley, Samanda and Brian who had been in the house this year…..what if the housemates were more……well……musical?

Day One
Day one in the Big Brother house. The first housemate to enter is, former nun, Maria Von Trapp. She is bursting with confidence, but then again, a house with nine new house mates, what’s so fearsome about that? Maria is closely followed by Joseph, Dolly Levi, Tevye, Eva Peron, Effie Melody White, Oliver Twist, Sweeney Todd, Henry Higgins and Little Orphan Annie. As usual the housemates are overwhelmed by the new house and its splendid colour scheme. It was purple and white and pink and orange and blue. After a first night feast of handcrafted beer made from local breweries, some yoga, and yoghurt and rice and beans and cheese, they finally get to bed.

Day Four
Big brother surprises the housemates by asking them to nominate for the first time. Up for eviction are Tevye and Joseph. . Joseph he annoys his housemates but what makes them mad are the things that Joseph tells them of the dreams he often has. Somehow the idea of them bowing down to them isn’t so appealing. Tevye has been heard in the garden declaring to himself what he would do if he were a rich man. It seems that the two men both have their eyes on the prize.

Day Eight
The housemates are sitting on the sofa as Davina announces that Tevye is the first housemate to be evicted from big brother. It seems the public are decidedly unimpressed at the footage of him fiddling on the roof.

Day Eleven
This weeks task is for the housemates to form a coconut orchestra. Due to the indisposition of Miss Eva Peron her role in this weeks task will be performed by Miss Roxie Hart. Due to the failure of completing the task the housemates find themselves with basic rations of gruel.

Day Twelve
Maria decides to make everyone outfits from the house’s curtains. As a punishment the housemates have their suitcases confiscated “until further notice”

Day Thirteen
Oliver is struggling to cope with the basic rations and goes to the diary room where he imploringly asks “Please Big Brother, can I have some more?” Annie is finding it too much of a hard knock life too and the two orphans bond, helped by Dolly who is determined to push them together.

Day Fifteen
Joseph is horrified to be evicted in Maria’s curtain outfit, rather than the clothes in his suitcase that he was saving for the eviction. He demands “Give me my coloured coat, my amazing coloured coat!”

Day Sixteen
Despite her blossoming friendship with Oliver, Annie is still distressed by the lack of food and the “curtain situation”. Sweeney suggests that a “nice new bob” might cheer her up. He takes her to the bath room to give her a trim but returns alone, saying that Annie has decided to leave the house. Big Brother makes no comment.

Day Eighteen
A new housemate, Mrs Johnstone, is brought in to replace Annie. Possibly literally, as she is pregnant with her 17th child. Dolly immediately tries to fix her up with Henry.

Day Nineteen
Tempers flare as the housemates are asked to participate in a pop group task. Effie is determined to be lead singer, however Eva has different ideas. “I want to be dazzling, they need to adore me” she cries and takes centre stage.

Day Twenty Two
It came as no surprise when Eva and Effie found themselves nominated for eviction. As Effie’s name is called, by Davina, she reacts badly and yells “I’m telling you I’m not going”. Eva merely says “Goodnight, and thank you whoever” as Effie leaves the building.

Day Twenty Three
As a punishment for discussing Jason Robert Brown, Eva and Sweeney are forced to listen to the London cast album of Saturday Night Fever.

Day Twenty Six
Mrs Johnstone nominates for the first time, but she finds it difficult. “Don’t make me choose, they’re a team they go together” she begs. But choose she must.

Day Twenty Nine
Oliver is evicted.

Day Thirty Two
The housemates begin an elocution task. Henry Higgins takes it upon himself to assist everyone else but finds it difficult. “In ‘Ertford. ‘Ereford and ‘Ampshire” begins Eva, and Henry asks “Why can’t the English teach their children how to speak?”.
“Gorgeous!” answers Dolly, “I’m American, Eva’s from Argentina and Maria’s Austrian for heaven’s sake!”
“No I’m not, I’m welsh!” interrupts Maria, “Although occasionally I do feel a little Irish!”

Day Thirty Three
Eva is still bridling from Henry’s rudeness “Just you wait ‘Enry ‘Iggins” she mutters as she enters the diary room to nominate. Later Dolly unwisely tries to smooth things over by suggesting they have a romantic meal for two.

Day Thirty Six
“Wave your little hand and whisper so long dearie, you ain’t gonna see me anymore” says Dolly as she becomes the fifth person to be evicted.

Day Thirty Eight
Mrs Johnstone is accused of being “controlling” for taking over most of the domestic duties in the house. The housemates are particularly upset with her commandeering the shopping list and Maria’s request for schnitzel and noodles falls on deaf ears. Instead they have to endure steak and kidney pies. “These are probably the worst pies in London!” remonstrates Sweeney.

Day Thirty Nine
Mrs Johnstone is trying to eradicate a particularly stubborn red stain from the bathroom floor when Sweeney walks in. “Have you ever considered a peroxide rinse?” he asks. “Like Marilyn Monroe?” replies Mrs J. Sweeney later reports that Mrs Johnstone has left the house.

Day Forty
The Rum Tum Tugger is brought into the house as a replacement for Mrs Johnstone. “What’s new Buenos Aires?” asks Eva. “My dear Eva”, remarks Henry, “I think you may mean pussy cat”

Day Forty One
Henry is evicted from the big brother house.

Day Forty Two
The Rum Tum Tugger is finding it difficult to bond with his new housemates. Could this be because every time someone tries to approach him he runs up the drain pipe and stares at the wall, or perhaps it is his unfortunate habit of “washing” himself.

Day Forty Four
The final task is a music task. Maria tries to teach her other housemates. “Let’s start at the very beginning….Do a deer a female deer.” “Meeow” sings the Rum Tum Tugger, Maria grimaces as Sweeney ominously mutters something under his breath about popping pussies into pies.

Day Forty Five
In an attempt to “bond” with Tugger, Sweeney offers to give his fur “a going over with my clippers.” Eva later asks Sweeney where Tugger has got to. “Surprise midweek eviction” answers Sweeney. Eva suspects that Sweeney has a game plan and takes Maria to one side and warns that there is “evil, ever around!”, strangely Maria answers “Yodeleyeeeeeeeeee”

Day Forty Seven
It’s the penultimate day in the Big Brother house. Big brother calls Eva to the diary room to try to explain how she feels.
“It won’t be easy you’ll think it strange” responds Eva
Next up is Maria –
“My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies from a church on the breeze”
And finally Sweeney
“Well what happened here, well that’s the play and you wouldn’t want me to give it away!”

Day Forty Eight
It’s the last day in the Big Brother house. Eva, Maria and Sweeney are the only remaining housemates as they plan to say so long, farewell. Struggling to find room for the outfit that Maria made Eva asks Big Brother for another suitcase. Maria wistfully muses that her days in the house have come to an end and the lark has come out to tell her it’s time to go. Sweeney begins to pack his belongings but then finds his Carmen rollers and suggests that the ladies might like a new “do” before they leave the house forever……….